#THESECRETSHEKEPT

I was fortunate enough to catch the awesome movie last night based on the book written by ReShonda Tate Billingsley.  Loved it!  Mental Illness (I wish we could come up with a prettier term) is such an embarrassment to communities as a whole.  Especially the Black community.  Why else would we practice the age old act of 'If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist'.

As a society we are hurting and desperate for healing.  Healing can happen if there's no acknowledgement.  Thank God for those who say 'Screw scorn! It is what it is and THIS is what IT looks like!'. I am one of those people.  I lied to myself and others so long about how I was doing I almost lost my life... a few times.  I identified with many scenes, particularly the 'I hate taking medicine.', 'I'll take it when I NEED it.  

They say the struggle is real...well the STIGMA is REALER!!! One of my biggest pet peeves and 0to100's are the remarks that fly out of those that are fueled by assumption.  "

#EARTHANGELS

I don't think anyone ever learns how to deal with death and dying.  It's something we learn to accept and slowly try to move on.

My heart has been really heavy this week because another loving spirit has left us. This man was truly an awesome husband, father, friend and co worker.  

                                      

MR IKE DANNY WILLIAMS

He and my mom worked together as Correctional Officers.  Two of our sons were born a day apart so my mom recommended me as a babysitter.  

Ike Danny Jr. & Phillip Jabari Circa 1994
I had 'twins' before I had twins😇😇

  He was always upbeat and positive.  I don't think I ever even heard him cuss.  At the end of a long day at the prison when he'd pick up Ike Jr. he was always smiling and...'jovial'.  It feels weird to use that word, cause I RARELY DO, but that's exactly what he was. I remember him ungrudgingly volunteering for the dunk tank during our Juneteenth picnics year after year when no one else would.  And later when I started working at the prison he always joined in our Black History celebrations...even though he was tired from working a shift.   Being a single mother, I would always appreciate when he and his wife Kenya would often invite my son to their house to swim or to go on certain family outtings.  That alone was such a blessing.  It's awesome when someone unrelated takes it upon themselves to give time to children in need. 

MS IRIS THORNTON
(holding the sign) 

I never had any uncles or aunties in my life but Ms Iris definitely filled that void.  She was truly my Big Mamma.  When me and her daughter Quida, better known as LADYQQT!, first met, Iris quickly embraced me and treated me like her own.  Good and bad LOL.  She was quick to check you when you needed to be checked.  I loved spending holidays at their house.  She was so real and full of life.  No pretentiousness...just good ole down home Mississippi Love.  If she were here today, she would remind us that we were ladies, "With all CAPITAL LETTERS!!". Dayuum!  I miss that LADY.  
I smell her fragrance...Aromatics Elixir by Clinique.  

During one of our last phone conversations she lifted my spirits when she told me that even when people treat me wrong don't let it change me cause I have..."a lotta love to give".  She spoke those words 13 years ago right before she died and I will never forget them.  I heard T. D. Jakes say your love reservoir may be 100 gallons, but you can't expect the same from someone who's is only 100 ounces. Iris had GALLONS of love.  I'm sad now...cause I'm understanding how RARE 'good spirits' are.  People who GENUINELY want the best for you and love you UNCONDITIONALLY.

Neither of these people were perfect. But what you saw was what you got.  You never had to guess what was on their minds.  In this world today, when it's easy to get caught up in people, places and things...we need a reality check.  People who keep it real all the time, keep you grounded...keep it one hundred.  

MS SHIRLEY BABER

Shirley carried me in her belly for 9 months. Unfortunately, after years of anticipating meeting my birth mom, after years of watching Oprah Winfrey reunions, she died of kidney failure right before we met.  The day I got that phone call was the worst f#cking day of my life.  I'll never get to tell her thank you for trying to give me a better life.  Thank you for not getting an abortion.  It's hard for me to think about her without my throat getting tight and my eyes welling up with tears. She was honest with herself and made a painful choice.

With this in mind, I practice transparency on a daily.  I'm honest with myself about where I am here and now and I try not to take myself so seriously that I forget God's in control.  I learned that the hard way.  I know God never gives us more than we can bare without giving us a way of escape.

  

I've prayed many times "Lord keep me humble..", cause I see the result of what pride of life, pride of the flesh and pride of the eyes is.  The Word tells us the end result of pride

I believe that because I've prayed that prayer... I often find myself in extremely humbling circumstances.  God chastens his own.  I'd rather get to heaven full of scratches and scars than hell flawless  LOL.  

Your will be done Lord...FOREVER!!!

#FAITHCOMES #BYHEARING #HEARINGBY #THEWORDOFGOD

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------>Faith For Life<---- p="">

#IAMSTILLHERE

                                      📖STAY IN THE WORD📖

     💞STAY BLESSED💞

📖STAY IN THE WORD📖

💞STAY BLESSED💞

                                    📖STAY IN THE WORD📖

💞STAY BLESSED💞

                             
                                     📖STAY IN THE WORD📖
                                          💞STAY BLESSED💞         

                                                 

📖STAY IN THE WORD📖

💞STAY BLESSED

📖STAY IN THE WORD📖

💞STAY BLESSED

#IAMSTILLHERE

#Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How YOU Doin?

So I stopped by one of my fav stores, Dollar Tree, to pick up a couple of things and as soon as I step in the door I get attacked by what I thought was a huge horsefly.  It just rammed into me right behind my left ear.  Well of course I started swatting away like crazy.  What's so funny is I had on these huge earrings that Quida gave me, so I'm playing tetherball with the earrings trying to get this 'fly' off of me.  I go to get a little hand basket and I once again feel buzzing behind my left ear. By this point I'm hot and irritated (cause I live in the desert and it was 100° today), so I gave my ear one last vicious smack and I saw the critter quickly land in the pile of baskets.  Only thing is, when I went to get a closer look at the strange lookin bug...it was a...

I'm hummin' comin' at cha!

I cannot begin to tell you the adrenaline and pure fear that flooded my body at that point. It was like I had just escaped death.  I get all swollen and itchy over a flea or mosquito bite. A bee sting would send me straight to the ER...

I'm sure of it.

But this isn't the first time I had an encounter with the stinging kind.  A couple of months ago as I finished using the toilet and turned to flush, I discoved a baby yellow jacket was sitting right behind me on the toilet lid the whole time.  I'm talking inches.  It's 'little' things like this I put in my gratitude basket.  

I get a little piece of paper, write a short blurb about the event, date it, fold it, then throw it in the basket.  Every now and then, especially when I'm feeling down, I dig around in the basket and read whatever I pull out first.  It's amazing how quickly they add up.  No matter where we are in life we should always practice an #ATTITUDEOFGRATITUDE because

The LORD is good.

📖STAY IN THE WORD📖

💞STAY BLESSED💞

MAY A MILLION FLEAS INFEST YOUR ARMPITS AND PUBES

                       

                      Now THAT... is a CURSE!!!

Can you say... INFESTATION???

I know some may have issues with the way I choose to express myself (also, yes I know there are 'proper' ways to begin and end sentences...but I'm not interested in following the grammar rules of someone who is made of flesh, eats, sh!ts, sleeps and puts on their pants one leg at a time just like I do. At least not when it comes to THIS blog.).

 Who gave this person the power to dictate?  Probably the same person who said it's cooler to wear someone else's name on your butt, purse, shirts etc., then your own.  Welp!  They were pretty smart cause we're still trying to measure up to their standards of fashion and beauty and don't even know them personally... I digress.  

Ahhh don't you just love to ride the wave of a good tangent😎.  
           

Let's get this straight!  When someone says sh!t, f#ck or dayuuum, these are NOT curse words.  Or as it's said in the 'hood 'cuss' words. They may be 'offensive'... but they are not curses.  Now if I were to say to you, "I hope you get hit by a bus!", that's a curse.  If I were to say "I hope you fall and break your neck!", that's a curse. And if I said "May your days be filled with heartache and poverty!", now THAT'S A CURSE!!!

'Cuss' words are expressive and exclamatory.  And remember to keep it context.  it's usually no more than a verbal exclamation mark!  While a curse's purpose is to harm someone in someway.  Some may feel it's a lazy way of expression.  I say it's only cause they don't know how to do it with swag! 

 LOL You gotta have a certain timing and balance to know when's the right time and when is too much. Don't get me wrong.  I'm not one to 'cuss' like a sailor' or am I by any means a 'Cuss' Word Connoisseur.  I just remember as a youngster being entertained by 'grown' folk's talk.  For instance, a group of men playing dominoes, somebody starts off with the 'big six' (double 6, 6\6) in the middle of the table, then the next man comes in with the 6\3.     First man is gonna say shiyiiiiiiit! Cause 'shoot', don't have no flavor.  He hand fed that man 15 points!

Now we are told in the Word not to use corrupt speech come from our mouths.

I don't ever remember a 'cuss' word causing someone to be discouraged to the point of turning away from God. But GOSSIP, SLANDER and HAUGHTY LOOKS... 

(better known as 'the side eye') has definitely caused people to run from the church.

  
I remember when I was younger, dreading to go to church cause in my eyes all it was...was a fashion show.  Then there was drama.  I remember this one dude threatening to shoot my mom in the parking lot cause she wouldn't let him lead a song.  

  















Probably cause she didn't want him spittin' and slinging Jheri Curl juice on everybody.  

My mom loves to tell that story.  For those who can't believe that would ever happen, I must explain we were in L.A., South Central to be exact.  Mount Gerezim, LOL Those were... NOT the days 👎 People may do us wrong in the church we have to remember that it's our spirits that have been reborn...NOT this FLESH!!! It took me a long time to realize there are no perfect churches or Christians.  And I'm also sure we'll be surprised at those who end up in heaven...as well as hell

We need to be more concerned about how we treat each other and God's will in our lives than...is that skirt too short...is that lipstick to bright...is his pants sagging too low?  Maybe if we took time to get to know a person we would realize there are really more important things to ponder like...why WE can't forgive.  I've been told there are many people in hell right now because they refused to forgive.   God know it's hard for us to live 'right' in this day and age. That's why Jesus died.  His blood continually cleanses us.  Cause our 'righteousness' is like a dirty tampon. 

 Yep! Check out the meaning in the original language the scripture was written in. Isaiah 64.6

So I have challenged myself to be less self righteous and judgemental. There's enough of that in the world.  Each of us who are filled with the Holy Spirit is like the wind...you don't know where we come from, you don't know where we're going.  But He does.  God's will be done.

Well, it's late...and I'm starting to ramble.

📖STAY IN THE WORD📖

💞STAY BLESSED💞

#HAPPYFATHERSDAY

YOU WON'T GET IT CAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED

🚫DENY🚫DENY🚫DENY🚫DENY🚫

 Went to church this morning and of course once I left my burdens were lifted and my heart was softer.  Honestly if my pastor hadn't mentioned it I wouldn't have ever known it was Father's Day.

That says a lot considering I have two.  
And they both have birthdays on Feb 4. (Le sigh)

So since the pastor prayed for the parents and single parents and those who don't have a good relationship with their fathers, it got me to thinking.  I said to myself, "Self!" My self said "Hmmm?" (Tyler Perry's Meet The Browns... the play OF COURSE!). I said Karla, it is once again time to lay all things aside, forgive and honor your 'father' by giving him a personal phone call...not a text, not a FB post, but a genuine 'hear my voice, I'm taking time out for you' call.  Last time I spoke to my dad, that 'raised' me,  was over a year ago when I told him I needed some help and he told me he was in a meeting and would call me back.   

(My birth father who I just met 10 years ago, is doing time for rape and drugs.  I write him occasionally but have yet to meet him face to face.) 

After a week of waiting I finally texted him and asked if his meeting was over.  His response: "Yes, it is." Nothing more. LoL. Wow!  I should try that with my kids. It really hurt because I REALLY needed help and RARELY asked anything of him. Lord, I pray that you never let me get so successful or caught up in material things that they become more important to me than the people around me who are in need.

It's sad when married couples get divorced and the kids are like a ping pong ball in the middle.  Especially when there are also step parents involved. Yikes! I remember going to my dad's house and wanting to yawn everytime he felt the need to recall how my mom wronged him.  My mom was the same way.  I'm 43 now and to this day I'm careful about mentioning certain things to them about the other cause I know it will add at least another 20 minutes to our conversation. I especially hated when my mom would unload her negative feelings on me about him and then the next day be like "You should call your dad!", all chipper like.  Took me awhile to realize it was usually around child support time. How the hell was I expected to have a healthy relationship with my parents when I had all this poison in my system?

My parents got divorced when I was 3 and dad got remarried and started having kids right away.  As I got older I felt like the frustration my dad had for my mom put up a wall between us.  And once my step mom had kids I remember struggling to find my place.  I often felt like Cinderella since I had to do certain tedious chores after they could no longer afford a maid.  Who the hell has the time to vacuum 800 square feet of carpet in a room that's never used in a zig zag design when the kids just come running through by the end of the day anyway? Dayuuuum! There's nothing in the world that would ever come between me and my kids.  Matter of fact the reason why I filed for divorce is because my ex decided to start putting his hands on my son in an aggressive way.  I had to divorce him so I wouldn't end up in jail.

I would have such anxiety when my mom dropped me off at my dad's house.  While I waited for someone to answer the door I had major butterflies, my hands sweat and my heart raced.  Felt like a semi was getting ready to hit me at a 100 miles and hour and I was paralyzed.  Looking back the only thing I can figure is fear of rejection.  My dad could be really critical.  Painfully critical.  

Matter of fact my sister Quida (bff from high school) still gets a crazy look on her face when I mention him to her. 











And it's for good reason. 



        She has an exceptional lifestyle blog.  Check her out!

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I would see my little sister jump in his lap and they have this father daughter moment...we never had those moments...it hurts. 

But what we did have were certain interactions that always left me feeling worse than I did before.  

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't always this way.  But considering I would just go for visits and never really lived with him for any extended amount of time, the negative trumped the positive (dang, that word 'trumped' is starting to have a whole new meaning now. LOL).  For instance, one evening we're all in the kitchen eating dinner and out of the blue he says, 

"Karla, I know what you're thinking..."

'I'm a little chunky, my nose is big and my hair is nappy'

...but one day...

 (he put his hands together as if to imitate some kind of magician Hocus Pocus presentation wth sound effects)

       🌠🌟✨"PSHHHHHH!!!!"✨🌟🌠

"... it's going to all come together for you!"

Humph!  Some presentation...Cause all I got from it was that I was not up to par...in case I didn't know it before.  For those who don't understand the power of words and praising your children...this is a perfect example of what NOT to do.  All I was trying to do was eat my f#cking chicken.  Here it is 30 years later and I remember it like it was yesterday. We were eating KFC.  

A couple of years ago I asked him about it... 

What's that on the ground...oh it's only your heart, 'scuse me!
How bout them Lakers?

        

 ...he said he didn't recall that ever happening...

So I guess it doesn't really carry any weight right?  LOL. A burden is a burden regardless.  The tongue kills more people than knives, guns and bombs.

So within 5 minutes into our phone conversation this afternoon I once again had a little regret because as in previous conversations he started talking to me like a friend or neighbor bragging about how well his kids were doing, asking if my kids dad was paying child support, asking what kind of car I drive (I know my Kia can't hold a candle to his brand new Benz and my brother's seven cars 👍), yada yada. I know we haven't spoken in a while but must there always be an interrogation?  And how the hell you gonna question another man's ability to pay child support when... I digress. When you know the person you are talking to is struggling, certain things are better  left unsaid.  Why would I smack my lips, lick my fingers and exclaim, "Mmmm, Mmmm! That meal I just had was the bomb!", after the person I'm talking to just told me they hadn't eaten in days??? FOH!!! 

To add insult to injury I find out that my brother got married:

Me: I never got an invitation
Dad: A lot of people didn't get invitations.
Me: But I'm his sister
Dad: Well you know his wife was handling everything.
Me: Well did (his other sister) get one?
Dad: Yeah she was there
Me: Doesn't make sense
Dad: Well a lot of people on my list didn't get invited.
Me: Was I on your list?
Dad: Yes, you were.

I have a hard time believing it but...

                       

So I will end this post by wishing my dad#1... 

(more about dad#2 in another post, yep it just gets gooder and gooder)

...a ✨🌟HAPPY FATHER'S DAY🌠🌟✨!!!

Once I told my dad that I would have a hard time getting him a card. I would probably take a big black marker and line through the mushy crap that didn't apply like "Thanks for always being there...". All that would remain on the card is my signature at the bottom.  I know he'll see this cause he says he always keeps up with me on Facebook. Humph! Guess I can't complain that 'trumps' a phone call ...literally LOL.  Also I must thank him for giving me my writing prompt for the day.  I know at the end of the day forgiveness is the rule.  It's for me not him.

📖STAY IN THE WORD📖

💞STAY BLESSED💞